TANTALIZING TIDBITS OF TEDIOUS TESTIMONIES

Hello everyone! I just flew in from Florida and “Boy, are my arms tired!“ (insert snare drum sound effect here)

This past week, the family and I decided to vacation to ever sunny Florida and hit such touristy hot spots as Universal Studios. The kids loved it! Rides, attractions, food… the place had it all!

BUT….

Let’s look at it from the cynical point of view of the guy payin’ for the whole she-bang! That’d be ME for the inattentive folks out there.

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Orlando, Florida must have some rather jaded residents. With the exception of one or two enlightened souls, most folks there just seemed to want to get rid of any and all of those pesky tourist people.


“Service? You want service?!? F%$# You!”


….maybe not in those words exactly…but still. I felt more comfortable in the Southside of Chicago being chased by a slew of mutant gang bangers screaming, “Kill the white boy!!” I tried getting all the cranky people together for a rousing jam of Temple of the Dog’s classic, “I’m Growin’ Hungry”, but all I got were the cold, blank stares of the downtrodden and undead! Sad, really…I was all ready to do Eddie Vedder’s part of the song. I miss the grunge era … sigh.

Now, on to the park itself….

First…they have a Marvel Comics part in the park which is a veritable wet dream for a fanboy like myself. Only thing is….all the attractions and what not are stuck in the ‘90’s. Now, any comics fan worth his grain of salt can tell you…the ‘90’s SUCKED!!! That’s when it was cool to have every character in the comics wear a leather jacket and metal shoulder pads. That was when if you needed to make a character “cooler”, you put him in armor and have him carry a gun. I could hear comics greats like Ross Andru and George Tuska rolling over in their graves. Now I realize that because Disney now owns Marvel and Universal can’t update that section of their park… but still, c’mon people… let’s show some initiative and do something…please!

Onward…the Jurassic Park and the Lost Continent area’s were impressive on the eyes… (and here’s where the “cranky, disgruntled old man” part of me comes out) but there are some people that really shouldn’t be allowed in theme parks. I don’t care if buying a $100 ticket to get in is just pocket change to them… if you’re an idiot…ACCESS DENIED! (that’d be my motto if I ran a theme park) Let’s question ourselves here…

1)     Do we wear our pullover Polo shirts tucked in?
2)     Sunglasses on the top of our heads? Day OR night?
3)     If not a Polo, then a shirt that proudly displays the company we work for?
4)     OR…worse yet….wear our pager/cell phone on our belt loop?

If any of those attributes are considered commonplace for you and yours… then get out of the park and let normal people have fun! As I was waiting in line for one of the wistful water rides at large on that hot almost summer day, I notice an entire family of before mentioned human livestock in a parallel line. Now… let me set the scene….
It’s hot…like Africa hot, and when you’re in line for 40-60 minutes with a zillion other people, Africa hot turns into Savage Land hot, which is a lot hotter by far! It’s the kind of hot that Hitler and my childhood neighbor’s dog experience everyday in Hell. So anyways… this family which I’ll refer to as “The Obnoxious Prick Family”, were wearing rain ponchos. Let me say this again… RAIN PONCHO’S ON A WATER RIDE SO THEY WOULDN’T GET WET!!!! This is how I felt after seeing that:

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Feel free to add any sounds effects that think may apply here! At any rate….why get on a ride whose sole purpose is to get you wet when  you don’t want to get wet?? AND THEN….and I know they did this because they knew I was gonna blog on them… the youngest daughter has a spot of dirt on her poncho roughly an inch or so in diameter (see, I can do math talk, too!) and the Dad heroically rushes to his despairing child's needs by taking his imported bottled water and dabbing it on the youngster’s dirt spot… therefore eliminating anything that may make others think they might be a “dirty” family! Whew…crisis averted and now they were able to safely go on the non-wet water ride!

Now, I know what you’re asking…”But Great One, did you at least have fun? Did your family enjoy themselves?” And the answer to those epicurean pondering is a resounding “YES”. We had lots of fun.

But still….the whole water ride thing bugged me.


NEXT WEEK…. Ramblings on Chicago!!

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