HISTORICAL HALYCONIC HIGHLIGHTS OF THE HEYDAY OF HOLIDAYS: HALLOWEEN!

First off…let me say, I’ve always loved Halloween. The very idea that you can go to a complete stranger’s house and beg for candy is insane. And the idea that if they don’t give in to your demands for the sugar coated confection, you can turn around and “trick” them in practically any way you wish. Ya gotta love America. As a friend of mine recently said, “this is the only country where we teach our children not to talk to strangers and then we take them door to door begging for candy.” Realistically, that’s as dumb as the letter “Q”.

Anyways…my two youngest kids still do the dressing up. As a rule, I make the costumes. Unless they’re just frantic for Wal-Mart’s latest plastic bunch of garbage…I make them. The wife is the sewing freak….so if I design it, she can sew it! Good combo in my opinion. The youngest, much to my geeky glory, wanted to be the original Green Lantern, Alan Scott! So cool! The pride in my cold, hollow heart peaked to perkiness! 

My other son, in a fit of complete butt kissing, decided to be one of the greatest comic characters of them all , Gore from the current comic I’m drawing called KREETOR. No one knew who he was…but I was happy!

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Now….I live in Wisconsin, but grew up in Texas. As a kid, I remember sweating my butt off going from house to house. Of course, those little plastic masks with the ever breaking rubber band were complete death traps. How anyone could breathe thru those things is still a mystery in most areas of the world. Here tho…sweat isn’t an issue! My hands almost fell off as I tried to bring feeling back to my nose and ears…All I could think was…”Hurry up kids, I’m dying!” 

 Now…here’s the kicker….in my day, the worst crap we could get from houses were those horrible peanut butter orange and black wrapped pieces of devil droppings…Holy blazing bags of crap, they were bad. BUT…and I say that emphatically…while both kids got those, that was nothing compared to what my little Green Lantern got. “What, dear Dann, could that be?” you may ask. Well…it wasn’t the stupid pencils that said “Let it snow!” or the religious pamphlets from previous years…no, dear readers…the worst of all Halloween trick or treat swag this year was a freakin’ can of OLIVES!!!! Don’t rub your eyes thinking you misread, o’ faithful ones…what I wrote is true…OLIVES! Now..I’m not sure about any of your kids out there, but if you would’ve given me a can of olives back in 1979, I would have planted a thermo-nuclear device against every exit in the house and gleefully pushed the button! OLIVES!!!!

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And one more gripe before I take my leave of you, my effendi’s….what happened to kids and costumes?? Like I said earlier, I make my kids disguises. I get a certain amount of satisfaction from looking at fellow parents and saying to them..”Hey lazy ass…go to Wal-Mart recently?”. Aside from that tho…even worse than giving in to the mass media and dressing your kid like Hannah Montana or Darth Vader , it’s throwing a football jersey on their backs and saying, “You’re a football player…yay!!” THAT IS SOOOO LAME! Next year….everytime I see a “football player”, I’m gonna punch them in the gut. Unimaginative wusses!

Enjoy the rest of the week my loyal ones….till next time!

Dann

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